I hate every word written here. No cryptic shit needed. I hate it. How dependent I was. How fucked up I was. And attempting to go into something else, I hope I never turn into this person again. I should just delete this whole fucking thing.

[I see these things in my dreams anymore...; Weather my body is set in loving you, my mind doesn't know.]

     It keeps seeming as if you we're slipping passed each other.I just wish that there was a way to keep you with me. You're always one step ahead or behind me, we're never right next to each other. Except when the musics too loud to talk. Doesn't seem to matter much to you. But it's hurting me.

     I was thinking, the other day, about how quickly this fire started... About how long it's lasted. We've been through so much. that when I wake up from these dre[nightmares]ams, it just is that. It doesn't bother me as much as it would have with any one else. And, I'm hoping like hell, it's for the right reasons. I'm hoping you still, 'Love you[me] with all my[your] heart.' I need that right now.

     'Cause right now, I'm scared. I'm worried about what is going to happen when i get back in school. Having dropped a class I need to take, and having ordered a wrong book. I'm worried, what if this really isn't me. What if this isn't what i need to be doing. What if I'm working towards all the wrong things. 'Cause right now, all that feels right, is you.

     I just wish I had the balls to tell you. I just wish i could show you how much i really do care. How much, loving you, is tearing me apart. 'Cause I just don't feel it back the same way. And, I know, i shouldn't. But when I saw that picture you still have of her in that white dress... It killed me a little inside.

     I know I will never be her. I know I will never look the same in your eyes, even wearing that same dress looking at you through that same frame, it will never feel the same. And part of that is a good thing, because I never want to leave and hurt you like she has, weather is be willing or not. Because we both know she has. But when you look at me in that frame, you will never feel that devotion that you have felt to her. You will never willingly kiss me for every letter in this 'note.' We will never call each other time after time, just to say 'i love you,' and hang up, only to have the other one call the first back and do it again. Repeating it over and over again, until you fall asleep.

     I can never be your first love. I can never tell you I love you enough times to make what she broke whole again. And I'm sorry for that. 'Cause, if given that chance, I would.

I love you more than you will ever know.
-Aura

I can't be mad at you. I can't hate you. And some times it kills me. Cause just as i think things are calming down again, they go out of control. [Maybe That's Why I Love You; I Can't Get My Head Around You.] I always knew that there was a certain type of person i needed.. Some one who would keep my on my toes, torture me by make every day an adventure. And here lately, that's been you. Granted, you have your stagnant moments. Most of which, I can stand even if it's only because I don't realize it. And yes this all just hit me the other day. I know you don't like my friends. And for the most part your friends feel funny around me. And by that I mean that they don't like me most of the time. But hopefully that's not how it'll be forever. Because that's how long I'm in this.. Forever. Unless things change, I think this might work. -Aura

Feeling kinda alone today. You said you wanted a day alone.I can still talk to you online though. [Not the same]
When i went to the mall last week i got a new CD. Silversun Pickups. This song just made me think of how you are anymore. Not that i mind much, It's good to have something solid in my life for once. :D

ddddddddddddddddd

  "Rusted Wheel"

So you can't hold a star in your hand though
At least you can hold on to another plan

Rusted wheel planted still

I can tell it's summer from the
Size of the bugs that fly through my window
Flying through my window

Rusted wheel planted still
Rusted wheel can't move on

I can tell it's winter from the
Size of the lump in my throat
Got a lump in my throat

Rusted wheel planted still
Rusted wheel can't move on

And it feels just like the ground
But trapped in another way
Just still in the ground

And it feels just like the ground
And trapped in another way
Just still in the ground

So you can't hold a star in your hand though
At least you can move on to that better plan

Rusted wheel planted still
Rusted wheel can't move on...

I'm looking for a new way to see.
I'm looking for a new set of eyes.
I don't know what I'm looking for.

When you look at the sky, what do you see. When you want to look at me, do you look at the sky?
I looked for you so long. There were lights in my eyes. There were lights in the sky. And the lights in my eyes were gone.
I was wronged again and again, and i didn't want to see the sunny sky. It was only to save my eyes.
I wanted only to see you again today, I wanted to see your eyes in those sunny, sunny skies.
I wanted to make your eyes so bright, just like those sunny sunny skies.

   It's all i can do to not cry when you say with you big voice, what I had no way of knowing. I didn't know that you were mad. I never said that you were yelling, i never said that it didn't hurt though too. I didn't make you smile. I want only to make you smile. I want to make you happy, thats all i want to do...

-Aura

   To know, that i'll always be second best to you...  Yeah, i don't like it.
I look at you and know that i'll never be good enough.
I'll never be the one that you cry for when you hear a sappy love song.
I'll never be the one that you think of as you fall asleep....

   No, i don't like it... [But it's not going to kill me... yet.]
I just refuse to think about what would happen to me if you left me, if she came back into our lives.
I didn't want to tell you this.
I sent her a message.
She acted like she didn't remember the atrocity of her past...
Which she might not.

I don't want to say any of this to your face...
But you know,
You might have figured her into your life more than she ever did you.
[Alone again...]
[It's so contagious.]

[Kissing over and over again... My pleasure is in my fear, you'll never be alone again.]
I don't know what to do. I know that i love you, and life without you would be so hard. Now that I have realized how alone I am, I know life without some one who can stand me would be really difficult. All I know is right now, I'm your's. If you want to change that, you're goign to be the one to do it... Again.
[You'll suffer, leave your old life.]
I know one thing though, I'm having a hard time with this whole, 'Second Best' thing.

I know you told me everything you did, because you wanted me to have some faith in you again, at least i think that's why you did it. And I'm fighting to have that little bit of faith. But for some reason I'm so jumpy still. I'm afraid at the drop of a hat you're going to walk out an leave me... again Just because some other girl who doesn't know your deep dark secret, or care walks into your life. It wouldn't matter who it was. Some people, yeah would hurt more than other's. But overall it would still just hurt that I would have to life knowing fully what my gut is already telling me. That you don't love me like you used to.

*Sigh* I don't want to think like this... i really want to trust you... but i just don't know why i feel like you're falling-out-while-drunk, was more premeditated than what you let on. I want to believe that you still love me. I really do. I just want to know that I'm not a burden on you; i know i'm annoying to you sometimes... but i would like to think that it's not all the time. I know that I love you, probably more now than I did. Maybe we're just different in that way, i fall into love gradually, while you love less as time goes on...  I don't want to believe that. I want to believe that you love me more now than ever, more than you loved her..

But I know that the chances of that are a good thousand to one, in short it's not going to happen. I just hope you never stop loving me completely. 'Cause then it might kill me.

-Aura

I wish everyone would quit asking how i was.
Yeah, it hurts. [But it's not going to kill me.]
I don't want to end this, just because he was doing something I'd done millions of times before.
When you're drunk, i know you do alot of things that you regret later.
[I guess this was one of them]... But was I?

Bruce.
Did you take it back, because you missed me, regreted it, and really do love me? Or was it just because you felt bad. I don't want to be a fleating memory. But then again I would have never wanted us to end like that. Just because you were drunk...
Just because you were thinking too much... About her.

Bruce.
I know she hurt you. And i know that you would have never done what she said you did. You're not that type of person. You care about the people you care about. I just don't want to be the mistake that makes your life sour... Like I know She is to you.

Bruce.
I just wish you could find some kind of happiness in the time you spent with her, and be able to move on. Weather or not that will happen, no one but you can tell that, If she gives you the words I haev asked her to give, I hope you will be okay one day. Even if i'm not there.

Bruce.
I really wish that you could love me. It kills me to know you hurt like this, and if turn it makes me hurt so much. I know your logic is that if you can't be happy with yourself then how can you make me happy, but you have to believe me; you do. You make me happier than I have been in years. When i went to the doctor, and finally got my test results back, I was able to smile. Because of what you've done for me. You've made me better. I'm no longer 'Clinically Depressed,' no more 'Borderline Depression.' You don't realize how sane you make me.

     I'm trying to convince myself that you are able to love me even. I know you're trying. I know you're going to be there for me... For everyone you care about. But what if we don't make it through this? What happens if we come to an end? Or better yet. What happens if she does want you? I don't think i  can stand losing you to anyone but her.
     If i can stand losing you at all.

But I do wish everyone would stop asking how I am. I'm sad. I'm broken-hearted. And more than anything, I'm scared. I don't know what would happen if i lost him. I can't stand being away from him, when i know he's hurting so much. I worry about what's going to happen if he's alone and... no one can talk to him... no one can save him. I don't care if it's me anymore. I just want him to be happy. I want to be able to make him happy, but i know that that won't always be me; I won't always be able to make him happy, to keep him happy.

But more than anything he know he exists... from her. And I've done all I can.

-Aura

Feeling a little misplaced, i guess is the best way to describe it.
I have so much going for me... And yet i feel like all i do is fail.
[We dwell on the downs so much more than the ups.]

I told mom the truth of what happened, 'then'.
She didn't seem to understand.
She didn't seem to realize that I know.
It was a scary time.
I realized even then that there was something wrong with what i was doing.

I know to most this will make little to no sense.
But maybe, someday, i'll be able to talk about it freely.

But... for those of you who are impacient,
Let's just know that i wasn't the saneist child in the world.
And it all started when i was very little.
(Laughs a Little) I was pretty much insane.

My psych, has disginosed me as Schitzo-Affective.
But there are alot of thing i'm just now getting comfortable talking about.
And most of them, scare me.
But there are a few, that i can just look back on and laugh about.
And, Mr. psych, if you read this any time soon,
I think we need to talk about this.

It's alot of stuff that i've repressed.
Alot of stuff, i don't know what to think about.

And Damn You, Yellow Wallpaper... You made it all come back.
It's all too real in my head right now, I can still see the manifestations of my imagination, standing in front of me, smiling... just like they used too.
I'm scared they'll come back.
I'm scared that part of me wants them too.

Am i really that crazy?
Did i really jump off that bridge, that i can see myself falling from now, again and again?
I know I am... Because if i wasn't i wouldn't be about to cry right now.
Am i really alone, or do i just feel that way?

[The sun is gone, the nights are long... Do you know what it feels like, being alone?]

{Can you help me find a way to carry on again}

And some times, I know I am...
The day i wished them away, was the day i condemed myself to be this way.
"No one can understand you if you're made of pure nonsense."
Feels like i am.

-Aura

   I've done a lot of things wrong in my life, and i think I'm about to do another one.

   I've messed up with you alot. We both know it. And as much as i want to ignore it, i can't stand some of the things your doing. I don't want to say, 'thats it; this is the end.' 'Cause after everything that's been between us, i don't think we will have an end. Hell, I never want to not have you in my life.
   But at the same time, I don't know where to go with 'us.' I know you're getting bored, and yeah, i'll come out and say it here and now, I'm not comfortable sharing you. If i have you, i want to be the only one that does. I can't just let you run off with some one else. I don't want us to end, and i would hope you don't either. So, i'm going to make a big leap of faith here. I need to know some thing, and if the answer is what i expect, we can't do this. I can't keep pretending that it doesn't bother me. I'm ready to leave my home for you and when i do i will walk into the same environment that i just left. I don't want that.
   I need to know if you're willing to do this for me. And in the case that I'm pretty sure will come from this... I'm sorry. I will always love you, i don't think that will ever change.

-Aura

    It's almost been five months...
    Doesn't seem that long.... seems longer. But here's the thing:

    In all my past relationships, I've gotten tired. Of them. I don't want that you happen to you. I want us to last forever. And i know what that means. When you get back on your feet, I'll feel that much better. I hate having to see you so down... so stressed. Even if you don't act like it most of the time. Only when your mom mentions the word car payment... Or gas. And i know once you get back on your feets there will be time for me. [I'll worry about me later.]
    Right now, right this very second, [you're my everything.] And to see you as previously stated. It kills me. Especially since i know that without me, you wouldn't be in this spot. Maybe you would still be out the job, since your alarm clock sucks. But you wouldn't have the financial crunch that you dol. You would have a little money in your pocket. You wouldn't go to the store [withme] and binge buy on yugioh cards like we used to. You wouldn't have bought all those miniatures. You wouldn't have put so much money into habits that you hardly ever indulge in. What I'm getting at is, I know that without me you wouldn't be in the situation that you're in.. And I'm sorry. Which bring me to my next point.
    I'm spoiled... And again, I'm sorry. I've been tryingtgo be good. It's just the simple thing that eat me alive. The gas for going places isn't there anymore. And I know it won't be for a while. 'm trying to cope with that. But you kno\w, just like I do, I can't stand biong in my house. I can't stand being here, and when i can get out, i run. I go as far away as i can, just to feel the breeze of freedom; Just to know that there is a place out there that doesn't make me feel like shit..
    You know she was talking to me today and when she told me that 'not being worried about personal hygine is a sign of depression,' i just wanted to ask her how she thought that depression had settled back in... 'Cause it's her fault. She keeps me here with he3r mindless tasks. Away from the one thing that makes me feel good about myself.  She keeps me here, locked away and thinks that when September rolls around, I'll still be here. I won't. I can't take any more of this. My cracks are cracking. I'm ready to break out of this halfhearted shell that made me claw at my eyes. I was blind to it for so long... Blind to why i was like this. I was controled and I was subjected to the brink of insanity. I'm tired of being the one that takes all the blame, the one that is put down, the one that does the dirty work and lives a life that she can't have a say in.
    [I'll give them their two weeks notice.] Come September 5th, they'll be forced to realize that i'm not a child any more. That potty training isn't just a way to make her try new things. It to give her a little freedom... They've outgrown trying new things, it's time for freedom to take it's turn.
    I still feel like I'm walking in a dream. Like any second I'm going to wake up and you'll still be loving her... not me. She'll have won again and without knowing will have once again made my life hell. [The Truman Show Anyone?] But when i wake up, will you keep dreaming for me... Keep loving me in my dreams, so when i go to sleep tomorrow night, I can start loving you again. [Not that I could ever stop.]
    I know I'm stupid, clumsy and spoiled. But [here in my dreams] you love me anyway. I never want that to stop. I never want to forget you... I never want to 'take a break,' 'try to be with other people,' or say 'it just got old.' I want us to get old, old and crusty, live in a nursary home and have applesause all day, cause thats the only thing we can eat. I will die loving you. Or I'll just die.

-Aura