When I Wake Up. [Have You Ever Seen A Dream?]
It's almost been five months...
Doesn't seem that long.... seems longer. But here's the thing:
In all my past relationships, I've gotten tired. Of them. I don't want that you happen to you. I want us to last forever. And i know what that means. When you get back on your feet, I'll feel that much better. I hate having to see you so down... so stressed. Even if you don't act like it most of the time. Only when your mom mentions the word car payment... Or gas. And i know once you get back on your feets there will be time for me. [I'll worry about me later.]
Right now, right this very second, [you're my everything.] And to see you as previously stated. It kills me. Especially since i know that without me, you wouldn't be in this spot. Maybe you would still be out the job, since your alarm clock sucks. But you wouldn't have the financial crunch that you dol. You would have a little money in your pocket. You wouldn't go to the store [withme] and binge buy on yugioh cards like we used to. You wouldn't have bought all those miniatures. You wouldn't have put so much money into habits that you hardly ever indulge in. What I'm getting at is, I know that without me you wouldn't be in the situation that you're in.. And I'm sorry. Which bring me to my next point.
I'm spoiled... And again, I'm sorry. I've been tryingtgo be good. It's just the simple thing that eat me alive. The gas for going places isn't there anymore. And I know it won't be for a while. 'm trying to cope with that. But you kno\w, just like I do, I can't stand biong in my house. I can't stand being here, and when i can get out, i run. I go as far away as i can, just to feel the breeze of freedom; Just to know that there is a place out there that doesn't make me feel like shit..
You know she was talking to me today and when she told me that 'not being worried about personal hygine is a sign of depression,' i just wanted to ask her how she thought that depression had settled back in... 'Cause it's her fault. She keeps me here with he3r mindless tasks. Away from the one thing that makes me feel good about myself. She keeps me here, locked away and thinks that when September rolls around, I'll still be here. I won't. I can't take any more of this. My cracks are cracking. I'm ready to break out of this halfhearted shell that made me claw at my eyes. I was blind to it for so long... Blind to why i was like this. I was controled and I was subjected to the brink of insanity. I'm tired of being the one that takes all the blame, the one that is put down, the one that does the dirty work and lives a life that she can't have a say in.
[I'll give them their two weeks notice.] Come September 5th, they'll be forced to realize that i'm not a child any more. That potty training isn't just a way to make her try new things. It to give her a little freedom... They've outgrown trying new things, it's time for freedom to take it's turn.
I still feel like I'm walking in a dream. Like any second I'm going to wake up and you'll still be loving her... not me. She'll have won again and without knowing will have once again made my life hell. [The Truman Show Anyone?] But when i wake up, will you keep dreaming for me... Keep loving me in my dreams, so when i go to sleep tomorrow night, I can start loving you again. [Not that I could ever stop.]
I know I'm stupid, clumsy and spoiled. But [here in my dreams] you love me anyway. I never want that to stop. I never want to forget you... I never want to 'take a break,' 'try to be with other people,' or say 'it just got old.' I want us to get old, old and crusty, live in a nursary home and have applesause all day, cause thats the only thing we can eat. I will die loving you. Or I'll just die.
-Aura
Posted at 12:53 am by
Kidkivan
