Don't know exactly how to say this...

       She still loves you, and I'm a fool. I don't think there's a  chance I'm wrong about this one. She still calls you every night. She still writes blogs that I can't see. And once again, I'm a fool.
       I love you with everything I am. It actually keeps me up at night. And when i call you, I don't want to get off the phone... ever. I never expected, a month into this, that i would be loving and trusting you this much. It took me the better part of two months and a mental relaps to admit to Daniel that i thought i was in love with him. I never thought I would believe in love again, you were right when you asked me that. But then again, i guess you just have that affect on people.
       I just hope this lasts.
Scared,
-Aura

    Emotion.
    It's a tricky thing. Sometimes twisting our minds to make us think something that we would have never otherwise thought. [I love you.] It makes us astranged to the material things we care about, and all we want to do is sleep next to that person. [Am i the reason you breathe, or am i the reason you cry?] I don't want to make a big deal of this. Eleven days and i don't even faulter to say I love you when we talk. But at the same time, I'm worried. I don't know what's going to happen in six months. I may hate the place i come from, but you only have one beginning. [I'm starting some thing here, and I'm stating only fact.]
    I can see myself being with you the rest of my life. But I can't help but think about what's going to happen when i go to college. I had always wanted to go away for schooling, get out of this po-dunk little town. But now I have you, and my life seems to have been put on halt for these eleven days. [And I know I can't keep going on like this.] It's going to have to go back to 'school first' thing and I don't want to have to take away from the time we get together. [Which, you know, is so much.] I don't want to end the night-long talks. And I don't want to give up on this. But school has to have some of my attention. [Haha, can't believe i just said that.] I'm 22 in my class, and have a 3.48. I can get out of here...
    Just, the question that's on my mind, would you come with me?
Anxious,
-Aura

     It's changed a lot. [Results May very] now hates me. I told him that i didn't think he was inlove with his girlfriend. I know it's not my place. i know that now. And if you ever read this. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ruin things between us.

    Moved on.Thinking I screwed this one up already. I got booted, and then he made me feel like the worst person in the world. this relationship is showing me how much i think... And how little i trust.

Finally started to listen to Spill Canvas. Kenzie would be proud.

    ".. But my dreams, they are as empty as my conscience seems to be."
    No one bites back as hard on their anger. No one will understand how i felt when she told me. No one can understand, what I'm feeling right now. Becasue no one's felt you like I have. No one's watched you crumble.
    "... Behind Blue Eyes."
But my dreams, from here on out, will be as empty, as my conscience seems to be. I will go on. But it will be hard. And you'll be just as nice.

    I did notice a couple days ago, when you started acting so nice. I was hopefull that it meant that you were finding your place. Like you were getting more comfortable with me. But now I find that you were getting more comfortable with her. I didn't want to believe i was still so far into you. But i know you better than you could ever dream. I know that slightest smile holds so many false promised lies, and i know you were never meant to be mine. That's all i need to know about you. That's all i ever wanted to know. But hopefully it gets better tomorrow.
    The only time I have to sit so close, all goes away tomorrow. I'm glad i'm not in Math with you anymore. Sitting next to you two periods would kill me at this point.
    Do you think you did the right thing? Thats the question I would ask you if i could. I would ask it with a straight face, and i would nod when you said 'yes.' I'm so used to being disappointed right now that you would just be another shot in the dark.
    "We're both unkind for tonight."
    But if we carry on this way... I don't know if it's better if i stay. I don't think waiting will help me. I think you've already made up your mind. And i thought i had, too.
    "Because one day I'll leave you."
    Because some time I think I will kill us both.
    "But where's your heart?"
    And when I get back on my feet, we'll continue to a real beat.

    Do you think you did the right thing?
-Aura

Thousands of words I could say to you…

But I don’t think any of them would make a difference. 

    So this is my plea. I need to see the doctor. I’ll probably go in tomorrow. And I
won’t come out for a while. I won’t be at school Thursday. And I hope you know why. ‘Cause I’m going crazy over [losing] you. It makes my eyes tear up just typing it. ‘Cause I am. Because I trusted you. Because everything I ever wanted to be, I thought I could be with you. I don’t think you understand what you meant to me. I don’t think you got it.

            Or maybe you did. And maybe you really did feel like I wasn’t the one and you wanted to let me down easy. But guess what? I fell so hard. It still hurts. The bruise may have faded, but the pain is still there.

I’m hurting. I’m bleeding. And you know what? I really don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to stop loving someone. Does anyone? You don’t know how you fall in love, and you don’t know how to fall out of it. You just can’t and don’t know these things. It’s so hard. It’s not something you want to do. It something that you have to do. It’s like oxygen to your soul. And it hurts, like and asthmatic, it hurts to take that first deep breath in, so deep, so refreshing after it’s done. But when you do it, it hurts so good.

I may be crazy, but you make me look sane.

-Aura

    Ever wonder how many people would cry?
    I doubt many would. Wouldn't even note my absense. I'm gone so much, who would. What makes me really break down and cry though, is that i don't believe he would. I have no proof that he would. I don't know what makes him different. But to me he seems to be. I feel like I've found someone who won't hate me cause I'm bi. Who won't judge me because I'm shizo-affective. And I don't feel like he cares.
    It may be a wrong assumption. But thats what it feels like. I don't want him to think that I'm a horrible person. But in most respects I am. I want to be something else to him. I want to be a person who makes it worth his time. I want to be worth him, but I don't think I am. I not really worth anything any more.

Pained.
-Aura

   ..Enought to make me want to scream. I don't deprive you of anything, the least you can do is help me. I don't need to wake up crying in the middle of the night, beacause you think this. But I know I will.

   "You change guys like you change pants."

   I can't help it if I don't dwell on the things-that-will-never-be. I don't want to live my life wishing. I don't want to be happy alone(mother). I'm not an alone-happy person. I don't like having to tell myself that I can do anything. I want someone else to tell me every now and again.

   I really don't think you understand that you did hurt me. I don't think you know you made me probably just made me make one of those choices i didn't want to make. I don't think you understand.

   I care what you think. And I don't want you to think that. I like him. Alot. And I have for a while. Just... never noticed. Not to say there weren't other people I have liked, but... I have a chance. Maybe, a slight one, but it still exists. Don't ruin this for me. And i know I'm going to get hurt. It's a given. But thats what friend are for. To stand there and say well i told you so, but at the same time, say it in a way that doesn't make me cry harder.

   I'm sad right now. And I don't want to bother with this anymore.

Sadly,
-L(only)aura

    Today... has been hell. Every step I take forward someone comes and says something else that knocks me two back.

    But. Last night was worse. Losing something like that is hard to get it back I guess. Losing inspiration to go through life... yeah it's a little rough.
    She told me, "No, I'm on this side.
    I said, "Since when?"
    "Since last night when you weren't here. Me and Johnny decided. That's how unreliable you've been, Laura. You haven't been here and we have." Those words, have haunted me for the last twenty hours. It hurts worse... knowing she was right. Knowing that she was telling me things I already knew. I hadn't done enough. I hadn't worked hard enough.
    And I'm sorry it took, her telling me like she did, for it to sink in.

Painfully yours,
-Aura