Lovelife.

What you can't raise your voice to say.

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 00:27:19 GMT

To know, that i'll always be second best to you... Yeah, i don't like it.
I look at you and know that i'll never be good enough.
I'll never be the one that you cry for when you hear a sappy love song.
I'll never be the one that you think of as you fall asleep....

No, i don't like it... [But it's not going to kill me... yet.]
I just refuse to think about what would happen to me if you left me, if she came back into our lives.
I didn't want to tell you this.
I sent her a message.
She acted like she didn't remember the atrocity of her past...
Which she might not.

I don't want to say any of this to your face...
But you know,
You might have figured her into your life more than she ever did you.
[Alone again...]
[It's so contagious.]

[Kissing over and over again... My pleasure is in my fear, you'll never be alone again.]
I don't know what to do. I know that i love you, and life without you would be so hard. Now that I have realized how alone I am, I know life without some one who can stand me would be really difficult. All I know is right now, I'm your's. If you want to change that, you're goign to be the one to do it... Again.
[You'll suffer, leave your old life.]
I know one thing though, I'm having a hard time with this whole, 'Second Best' thing.

I know you told me everything you did, because you wanted me to have some faith in you again, at least i think that's why you did it. And I'm fighting to have that little bit of faith. But for some reason I'm so jumpy still. I'm afraid at the drop of a hat you're going to walk out an leave me... again Just because some other girl who doesn't know your deep dark secret, or care walks into your life. It wouldn't matter who it was. Some people, yeah would hurt more than other's. But overall it would still just hurt that I would have to life knowing fully what my gut is already telling me. That you don't love me like you used to.

*Sigh* I don't want to think like this... i really want to trust you... but i just don't know why i feel like you're falling-out-while-drunk, was more premeditated than what you let on. I want to believe that you still love me. I really do. I just want to know that I'm not a burden on you; i know i'm annoying to you sometimes... but i would like to think that it's not all the time. I know that I love you, probably more now than I did. Maybe we're just different in that way, i fall into love gradually, while you love less as time goes on... I don't want to believe that. I want to believe that you love me more now than ever, more than you loved her..

But I know that the chances of that are a good thousand to one, in short it's not going to happen. I just hope you never stop loving me completely. 'Cause then it might kill me.

-Aura

I'm not upset

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 01:22:00 GMT

I wish everyone would quit asking how i was.
Yeah, it hurts. [But it's not going to kill me.]
I don't want to end this, just because he was doing something I'd done millions of times before.
When you're drunk, i know you do alot of things that you regret later.
[I guess this was one of them]... But was I?

Bruce.
Did you take it back, because you missed me, regreted it, and really do love me? Or was it just because you felt bad. I don't want to be a fleating memory. But then again I would have never wanted us to end like that. Just because you were drunk...
Just because you were thinking too much... About her.

Bruce.
I know she hurt you. And i know that you would have never done what she said you did. You're not that type of person. You care about the people you care about. I just don't want to be the mistake that makes your life sour... Like I know She is to you.

Bruce.
I just wish you could find some kind of happiness in the time you spent with her, and be able to move on. Weather or not that will happen, no one but you can tell that, If she gives you the words I haev asked her to give, I hope you will be okay one day. Even if i'm not there.

Bruce.
I really wish that you could love me. It kills me to know you hurt like this, and if turn it makes me hurt so much. I know your logic is that if you can't be happy with yourself then how can you make me happy, but you have to believe me; you do. You make me happier than I have been in years. When i went to the doctor, and finally got my test results back, I was able to smile. Because of what you've done for me. You've made me better. I'm no longer 'Clinically Depressed,' no more 'Borderline Depression.' You don't realize how sane you make me.

I'm trying to convince myself that you are able to love me even. I know you're trying. I know you're going to be there for me... For everyone you care about. But what if we don't make it through this? What happens if we come to an end? Or better yet. What happens if she does want you? I don't think i can stand losing you to anyone but her.
If i can stand losing you at all.

But I do wish everyone would stop asking how I am. I'm sad. I'm broken-hearted. And more than anything, I'm scared. I don't know what would happen if i lost him. I can't stand being away from him, when i know he's hurting so much. I worry about what's going to happen if he's alone and... no one can talk to him... no one can save him. I don't care if it's me anymore. I just want him to be happy. I want to be able to make him happy, but i know that that won't always be me; I won't always be able to make him happy, to keep him happy.

But more than anything he know he exists... from her. And I've done all I can.

-Aura

Inside... the Lines

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 01:19:16 GMT

Feeling a little misplaced, i guess is the best way to describe it.
I have so much going for me... And yet i feel like all i do is fail.
[We dwell on the downs so much more than the ups.]

I told mom the truth of what happened, 'then'.
She didn't seem to understand.
She didn't seem to realize that I know.
It was a scary time.
I realized even then that there was something wrong with what i was doing.

I know to most this will make little to no sense.
But maybe, someday, i'll be able to talk about it freely.

But... for those of you who are impacient,
Let's just know that i wasn't the saneist child in the world.
And it all started when i was very little.
(Laughs a Little) I was pretty much insane.

My psych, has disginosed me as Schitzo-Affective.
But there are alot of thing i'm just now getting comfortable talking about.
And most of them, scare me.
But there are a few, that i can just look back on and laugh about.
And, Mr. psych, if you read this any time soon,
I think we need to talk about this.

It's alot of stuff that i've repressed.
Alot of stuff, i don't know what to think about.

And Damn You, Yellow Wallpaper... You made it all come back.
It's all too real in my head right now, I can still see the manifestations of my imagination, standing in front of me, smiling... just like they used too.
I'm scared they'll come back.
I'm scared that part of me wants them too.

Am i really that crazy?
Did i really jump off that bridge, that i can see myself falling from now, again and again?
I know I am... Because if i wasn't i wouldn't be about to cry right now.
Am i really alone, or do i just feel that way?

[The sun is gone, the nights are long... Do you know what it feels like, being alone?]

{Can you help me find a way to carry on again}

And some times, I know I am...
The day i wished them away, was the day i condemed myself to be this way.
"No one can understand you if you're made of pure nonsense."
Feels like i am.

-Aura

.. Is Confused.

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 04:27:01 GMT

I've done a lot of things wrong in my life, and i think I'm about to do another one.

   I've messed up with you alot. We both know it. And as much as i want to ignore it, i can't stand some of the things your doing. I don't want to say, 'thats it; this is the end.' 'Cause after everything that's been between us, i don't think we will have an end. Hell, I never want to not have you in my life.
   But at the same time, I don't know where to go with 'us.' I know you're getting bored, and yeah, i'll come out and say it here and now, I'm not comfortable sharing you. If i have you, i want to be the only one that does. I can't just let you run off with some one else. I don't want us to end, and i would hope you don't either. So, i'm going to make a big leap of faith here. I need to know some thing, and if the answer is what i expect, we can't do this. I can't keep pretending that it doesn't bother me. I'm ready to leave my home for you and when i do i will walk into the same environment that i just left. I don't want that.
   I need to know if you're willing to do this for me. And in the case that I'm pretty sure will come from this... I'm sorry. I will always love you, i don't think that will ever change.

-Aura

When I Wake Up. [Have You Ever Seen A Dream?]

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 05:53:21 GMT

    It's almost been five months...
    Doesn't seem that long.... seems longer. But here's the thing:

    In all my past relationships, I've gotten tired. Of them. I don't want that you happen to you. I want us to last forever. And i know what that means. When you get back on your feet, I'll feel that much better. I hate having to see you so down... so stressed. Even if you don't act like it most of the time. Only when your mom mentions the word car payment... Or gas. And i know once you get back on your feets there will be time for me. [I'll worry about me later.]
    Right now, right this very second, [you're my everything.] And to see you as previously stated. It kills me. Especially since i know that without me, you wouldn't be in this spot. Maybe you would still be out the job, since your alarm clock sucks. But you wouldn't have the financial crunch that you dol. You would have a little money in your pocket. You wouldn't go to the store [withme] and binge buy on yugioh cards like we used to. You wouldn't have bought all those miniatures. You wouldn't have put so much money into habits that you hardly ever indulge in. What I'm getting at is, I know that without me you wouldn't be in the situation that you're in.. And I'm sorry. Which bring me to my next point.
    I'm spoiled... And again, I'm sorry. I've been tryingtgo be good. It's just the simple thing that eat me alive. The gas for going places isn't there anymore. And I know it won't be for a while. 'm trying to cope with that. But you kno\w, just like I do, I can't stand biong in my house. I can't stand being here, and when i can get out, i run. I go as far away as i can, just to feel the breeze of freedom; Just to know that there is a place out there that doesn't make me feel like shit..
    You know she was talking to me today and when she told me that 'not being worried about personal hygine is a sign of depression,' i just wanted to ask her how she thought that depression had settled back in... 'Cause it's her fault. She keeps me here with he3r mindless tasks. Away from the one thing that makes me feel good about myself. She keeps me here, locked away and thinks that when September rolls around, I'll still be here. I won't. I can't take any more of this. My cracks are cracking. I'm ready to break out of this halfhearted shell that made me claw at my eyes. I was blind to it for so long... Blind to why i was like this. I was controled and I was subjected to the brink of insanity. I'm tired of being the one that takes all the blame, the one that is put down, the one that does the dirty work and lives a life that she can't have a say in.
    [I'll give them their two weeks notice.] Come September 5th, they'll be forced to realize that i'm not a child any more. That potty training isn't just a way to make her try new things. It to give her a little freedom... They've outgrown trying new things, it's time for freedom to take it's turn.
    I still feel like I'm walking in a dream. Like any second I'm going to wake up and you'll still be loving her... not me. She'll have won again and without knowing will have once again made my life hell. [The Truman Show Anyone?] But when i wake up, will you keep dreaming for me... Keep loving me in my dreams, so when i go to sleep tomorrow night, I can start loving you again. [Not that I could ever stop.]
    I know I'm stupid, clumsy and spoiled. But [here in my dreams] you love me anyway. I never want that to stop. I never want to forget you... I never want to 'take a break,' 'try to be with other people,' or say 'it just got old.' I want us to get old, old and crusty, live in a nursary home and have applesause all day, cause thats the only thing we can eat. I will die loving you. Or I'll just die.

-Aura

So...

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 12:20:14 GMT

    I don't really think there's going to be much of a point to this one. Stuff has been a little shakey. But other stuff has been great.
    The only thing i have to complain about right now is that, in the whole fiasco, no one, not even a person that i considered a good friend has asked for my side of the story. Granted there's not much to tell, but still. For someone to talk to me and ask, 'So what happened,' would be, maybe, to much to ask. I don't want to dwell on petty things, but I do want to say one thing: I want you all to know, i will never look at you the same. I will never consider you as highly as i did.
    Okay, thats enough of that.
    In other news:
    I'm still the happiest that I've been in... probably, years. And yeah, it's all his fault. I think saying that 'I think I'm in love with him...' is well, a lie. I KNOW I'm in love with him. He makes me happy. No matter what we're doing, as long as I'm with him, I'm happy. *Sigh*, and anyone who would like to try and mess up that happieness... Screw off. He's mine. :-]
Love my Boy.
-Aura

Lovely Bones.

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 11:19:00 GMT

    Don't know exactly how to say this...

       She still loves you, and I'm a fool. I don't think there's a chance I'm wrong about this one. She still calls you every night. She still writes blogs that I can't see. And once again, I'm a fool.
       I love you with everything I am. It actually keeps me up at night. And when i call you, I don't want to get off the phone... ever. I never expected, a month into this, that i would be loving and trusting you this much. It took me the better part of two months and a mental relaps to admit to Daniel that i thought i was in love with him. I never thought I would believe in love again, you were right when you asked me that. But then again, i guess you just have that affect on people.
       I just hope this lasts.
Scared,
-Aura

She-Devil. [Lovingly,]

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 03:14:33 GMT

     They hurt you. And I will forever hate them. You didn't deserve what they've done. I hope there are no things that you never tell me. I don't expect you to be in love with me yet. I never really expect to love you as much as I do right now. I want to trust you with everything i have. And I want to keep you for a long as i can... As long as you're willing to love me. I want you to need me like I'll always need you.
    In advance for the times when things will get hard. I want you to know that I will never mean to hurt you. I will never mean to hate you, I've loved you to much in the last twenty days. And I want to keep loving you for the rest of my days.
    But still, I'm scared. Becasue given the past, I don't want to make you choose. I don't want to make you feel like you have to follow me. Between staying where your life is and where your newfound heart may be, I don't expcet you to choose me.
    Between the things I'm going to have to do and the things i will need in the next year and six months, I don't want to make you feel like... I'm the right choice. It's in your mind that you will always find the logic to live on.
    I want to make you happy, and i don't want to have to ask anything of you that requires to much of you. I know you're tired and there are things in your life that you're not proud of, things you would like to maybe change. But I will always love you, no matter what you choose.
    Thank you for loving me. No matter how long that love will last.
Lovingly,
-Aura

Filling Up. [With Me?]

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 17:21:40 GMT

    Emotion.
    It's a tricky thing. Sometimes twisting our minds to make us think something that we would have never otherwise thought. [I love you.] It makes us astranged to the material things we care about, and all we want to do is sleep next to that person. [Am i the reason you breathe, or am i the reason you cry?] I don't want to make a big deal of this. Eleven days and i don't even faulter to say I love you when we talk. But at the same time, I'm worried. I don't know what's going to happen in six months. I may hate the place i come from, but you only have one beginning. [I'm starting some thing here, and I'm stating only fact.]
    I can see myself being with you the rest of my life. But I can't help but think about what's going to happen when i go to college. I had always wanted to go away for schooling, get out of this po-dunk little town. But now I have you, and my life seems to have been put on halt for these eleven days. [And I know I can't keep going on like this.] It's going to have to go back to 'school first' thing and I don't want to have to take away from the time we get together. [Which, you know, is so much.] I don't want to end the night-long talks. And I don't want to give up on this. But school has to have some of my attention. [Haha, can't believe i just said that.] I'm 22 in my class, and have a 3.48. I can get out of here...
    Just, the question that's on my mind, would you come with me?
Anxious,
-Aura

Didn't notice. [Everything I touch dies.]

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 00:38:51 GMT

It's changed a lot. [Results May very] now hates me. I told him that i didn't think he was inlove with his girlfriend. I know it's not my place. i know that now. And if you ever read this. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ruin things between us.

Moved on.Thinking I screwed this one up already. I got booted, and then he made me feel like the worst person in the world. this relationship is showing me how much i think... And how little i trust.

Finally started to listen to Spill Canvas. Kenzie would be proud.

"All Over You"

Yeah he's a looker,
but I really think it's guts that matter most.
I displayed them for you,
strewn out about from coast to coast.

I am easily make believe,
just dress me up in what you want me to be.
I'll take back what I've been saying for quite some time now.

I gotta feel you in my bones again,
I'm all over you.
I'm not over you.
I wanna taste you one more time again,
I'm all over you.
I'm not over you.

In my daydreams, in my sleep,
infatuation turning into disease.
You could cure me, see all you have to do now
is please try.
Give it your best shot and try.
All I'm asking for is love [Care],
but you never seem to have enough.

I gotta feel you in my bones again,
I'm all over you.
I'm not over you.
I wanna taste you one more time again,
I'm all over you.
I'm not over you.
This life is way too short
to get caught up in all this stuff
when I just want you to love me back,
why can't you just love me back?

Why can't you just love me back?
(why can't you, why can't you)
Why can't you just love me back?
(why can't you, why can't you)
Why can't you just love me back?
(why can't you, why can't you just love)

I gotta feel you in my bones again,
I'm all over you.
I'm not over you.
I wanna taste you one more time again,
I'm all over you.
I'm not over you.
This life is way too short
to get caught up and all mixed up
when I just want you to love me back,
why can't you just love [Care] me back?

Why won't you just love [Care] me back?

Why can't you just love [Care] me back?

    I don't want to make you feel like there is something that i want that you can't give. And just so you know, I would never want you to lie about something like that. I don't want to be your ONLY thought. [That would be the 'too much to ask.'] Just one of your thoughts before you go to sleep at night. I don't expect you to love me. [Again with the too much to ask.] I'm starting to believe Kenzie more and more about how love doesn't exist. It's a lie.
    -sigh-
    I don't know what i'm getting at here. I just want you to know that I'm sorry about today. I didn't want to fight. I hate fighting. Especially with you. It wasn't how I wanted to tell you. But i was just so... hurt. I know that's a crappy reason to get mad. But it's the truth. I hate it when i get mad. It makes me feel like a horrible person. I would have rather just told you the truth, when it came up and let it bother me in the mean time. I know I'm sadistic.

    I've been told that I complain to much. And you know, i don't fight him on that fact anymore. I wish i had never done what i did to our friendship. Just so you know Ducky, I miss you. I miss being friends with you and more than that i just miss you. I would never have even told you that i liked you. And if i could turn back time i would, i would take back everything i did to make it worse between us.

    I had so few friend any more. And then, when things get bad, i had one that I could go too. And guess what. I ruined that, too. I don't like admitting these things. I don't want to complain so much. But then again, you wouldn't be reading this if you weren't up to hear some complaining.
    I really think that I've been cursed. [Everything I touch dies], So needless to say I'm thinking about stopping the whole touching thing. Even if it kills me. I liked being lonely more than i liked hurting people and making them mad at me. I don't think I'm that bad of a person. I just don't think so times... Or in other cases, think too much. I'm not meaning to kill so many hopes. But my parade is getting rained on in the form of hail. And it hurts. Majorly.
    I wanna make a come back; i wanna try all this again. I want to turn back the clock and erase all the shit I've screwed up.

People say things happen for a reason, well, I was an accident.

    It all started with a word. It was something like 'Exist,' but a little catchier. I got struck by lighting when I was little. I was the one that they didn't plan on. I was that one that no one wanted. I'll be the beginning of the end for someone. I'm not perfect, and i try not to act like I am. I know people have flaws and addictions.

    But I also know that there is a Bane of my existance right now. She's everything I stride to rid myself of. It pretty much sucks.

    I try to make a person happy and it end up screwing myself over in the process. [I matter only in statistics.]

Sanely.
-Aura